If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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