just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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