in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
