she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
