i was born a porn star she said
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
