We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
