I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
