Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
