Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
