I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
