Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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