Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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