Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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