he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
