Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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