The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
