you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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