Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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