god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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