Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
