Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
