If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
