you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
