he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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