I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
