Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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