just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
