i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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