I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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