and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
