I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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