I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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