i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
