So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
