can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
