The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
