Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He passed out mid-signature
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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