You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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