My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
