So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
