oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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