We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
