I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
