I can text with my tongue
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
