Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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