I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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