Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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