I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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