I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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