i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
