My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
