I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
