Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
