The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
