awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
